


i'm tired, you're lonely.

by cruelladevilline



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: 2 am writing, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Breakup, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Open Ending, Sad times, Song fic, Super angsty, Swearing, kinda short, roman is trying, so is virgil, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2018-11-29
Packaged: 2019-09-02 09:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16784038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cruelladevilline/pseuds/cruelladevilline
Summary: Virgil couldn't take keeping steady eye contact for long, glancing back down at the untouched drink he was still holding onto. He had to say it. Virgil swallowed around the lump in his throat, trying to reel his panic in.“Let's break up.”Or:The one where Roman and Virgil break up because staying together isn't always what's best.





	i'm tired, you're lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings: anxiety, talk of mental health/and mental breakdowns/instability, swearing, mentions of self-hate, insecurity. let me know if I missed anything!

_What does that say of me?_  
When I know it’s you calling but I let it ring,  
tell me what’s left of us?   
Should this house feel as empty as it does?

Virgil has known. He’s known for a while. Memories of soft touches and whispered words, quiet mornings of teasing and laughter. He remembered loud nights, play-fighting for the remote and arguing over which Disney movie was better. He remembered warm afternoons, strolling in the park, and movie nights with salted popcorn and chocolate covered fingers. Soft sounds of rain and secret smiles, even of silly nights with sickeningly domestic home-cooked meals and warm fingers trailing up and down his arms. Remembering ridiculous inside jokes and game nights with friends, to the remembrance of comfort through a panic attack, words of reassurance whispered in his ear, and soft touches grazing ever so lightly on his skin, egging him out of his own head and into lovely, welcoming arms. Virgil wanted it. He wanted it so so much, that he thought his heart would explode from the want and need of him.

His memories were brought to a halt at the loud ringing of his phone; vibrating on the table. The bright glow from the phone was the only thing illuminating the otherwise dark living room, a picture of Roman shining as the phone continued to ring.

The picture of him was one of Virgil favorites; smiling from ear-to-ear, eyes crinkling in the corners, a look of utter glee on his features. His beaming face grounded Virgil back to reality, to the choice he’s going to make, to the choice he has to make. Abandoning bitter-sweet memories, Virgil hoisted himself off the comfort of the couch, where he had stayed complacent for the last hour or so. He moved his way through the dark house, not bothering to switch on the lights as he made his way into the open-floor, kitchen-living room, letting the darkness settle uncomfortably around him.

He didn’t want to face the memories, he didn’t want to have to see the pictures of them lining the walls, the reality of what was once there. Virgil knew every detail of the apartment they shared for a year; the rusty counters, and the creaking floorboards, even the small crack they had covered with a collage of photos.

Virgil padded over to the kitchen, socked feet making no noise, and tired eyes scanning to the clock on their stove.

5:46

He let a sigh escape him, before taking in a shaky break and wringing his hands together; trying to calm the oncoming panic attack. He focused on his breathing for a while, letting his nails dig into the palms of his hands, hoping to ground him. Roman would be home at six, and then he’d-

Virgil shook his head as if to rid himself of the rest of that thought, he quickly got to putting the kettle on the stove, busying himself with preparing two cups of tea, not stopping the preparations until two cups were sat idly on their table. He slowly slid into one of the chairs, hands trembling slightly as his hands encased the cup, looking into the tea and watching it swirl.

From the table, he still heard the jangling of keys, the opening of the door and muffled calling of his name. As the sound of footsteps approached and Virgil heard the sweet sounding of “I’m home!” it was almost enough to make him back out of this plan entirely. Virgil wanted nothing more than to run into the arms of the only man he loved, being held and kissed until all of this went away. But he couldn’t. Roman was too good for that. Roman, sweet, loving Roman deserved so so much better. Virgil chokes down a sigh that wants to escape, hardening his resolve.

He stays still, glaring down at his cup, as he hears the approaching footsteps and sees the fluorescent light fill into the room. The grip on Virgil’s mug tightens, and he takes a shallow breath.

“Virge?”

His name is said softly, almost whispered, caution lacing through Roman’s voice and hurried but gentle footsteps racing over to him.

 _And where’s the obvious light?_  
‘Cause I am tired and you’re lonely  
Screaming “babe, console me”   
But I’ve already given all that I have

“Sit,” Virgil replied, voice coming out far harsher then he intended. He grips the mug harder, knuckles turning white from how hard he’s holding on.

He feels his heart rate pick up and his stomach turns uncomfortably. Bile was rapidly growing in his throat, thoughts raging out of control at the prospect of what he was going to do. But he had to. He couldn’t take it anymore. Roman couldn’t take it anymore. Virgil was falling apart and pulling this-

His thoughts were halted at the loud screech the chair made at being pulled out. He flinched away from the sound, glancing up at Roman’s worried face. Virgil fully took in his features, as he finally looked at him. His brows were furrowed, causing a slight wrinkle on his forehead, the corner of his lips down-turned and pulled into a frown, Roman’s eyes rapidly scanning over him.

Virgil couldn’t take keeping steady eye contact for long, glancing back down at the untouched drink he was still holding onto. He had to say it. Virgil swallowed around the lump in his throat, trying to reel his panic in.

“Let’s break up.”

It came out more of a whimper, words breathed so lightly he wasn’t sure Roman heard him. Virgil glanced up through his eyelashes, trying to gouge the other man’s reaction. He was sure Roman had now, the complete shock and hurt that flashed over his features. The painful twist in Virgil’s chest was back, making him regret letting those words ever slip out. No. This is for the best. He deserves better. The nagging voice Virgil was used to hearing, forced it’s way to the front of his thoughts.

“Why?” Roman asked, genuine shock and confusion burning its way through his tone. Roman tried his best to catch Virgil’s eyes, but the other just continued staring stubbornly at the kitchen table. 

A bitter laugh that held no humor forced its way out of Virgil’s lips, as he shook his head, bangs falling into his eyes. For a year, this had been going on, and he couldn’t stand it. This wasn’t going to fix it’s self any time soon. This was it for Virgil, he was stuck like this.

“I’m sick, Roman. This isn’t going away, I can’t keep dragging out into this, I-” Virgil broke off, pushing down a cry that wanted to break out. He cleared his throat, buying him time to gain up the courage to continue speaking.

“This relationship isn’t fair to you. I’ve given you everything I have, and I know that it’s not enough. I’m never going to be able to be the person you want, that you need. I can’t keep dragging you into these constant episodes where I can barely get out of bed.” Virgil let out, words tumbling out of his mouth and gasping for air as he tried to explain why this wasn’t working. Why he isn’t working. Panic lacing its way through his words, into his lungs, holding him close. 

“I can’t have another meltdown and fucking hurt you again! It’ll just keep happening over and over again because I’m just this huge fucking mess. I’m too much, I’m too much for anyone to handle, I can’t keep doing this to you. I isolate myself for days at a time, and I know how lonely you get! I just can’t, I get so tired of everything, and myself, and I cant- I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I'msorryI'msorry,” Virgil was too focused on his spew of word vomit to realize Roman getting up and walking over to him, only noticing as he sat in front of him.

Lage calloused hands came to rest upon his face, wiping away tears he hadn’t even realized were falling. Virgil just barely resisted burying the rest of his face in warm, tender hands that caressed him oh so sweetly.

 _Has it all just come to this_  
Both wanting what the other cannot give  
And are we still trying to prove  
This isn’t something we’ll grow out of like old shoes

“Virgil, love,“ Romans’ voice was so soft and gentle, it ripped another cry out of Virgil. He didn’t deserve it. 

“I understand what you’re saying. And I’m so sorry you’ve had to live with this and you didn’t tell me. But you have to understand something too,” Roman broke off, tilting Virgil’s chin up until he was looking at him. “I love you, so much. I don’t care if you have another breakdown, I’m going to be there with you each step of the way, I promised that when we first met, and I intend to keep that. I love you too much.” Roman murmured, standing up so he could properly hug Virgil.

  
They both sat like that, gripping onto one another as if they’d just disappear when letting go. Feelings and memories of their soft touches and winter cuddles mixed in with witty comments. He held on tighter, his panic slowly easing as he was engulfed in warm arms. The smell of pine and stupid overpriced cologne Roman always insisted on wearing was engulfing his senses. Virgil pressed in harder. Roman’s soft reassurances were being whispered with kisses pressed into his hair and he yearned to stay like this, content in never leaving this perfection.

His grip on Roman seemed to get ever tighter, as he remembered his constant breakdowns, the disappointment he could feel when Roman couldn’t help. The hurt and disheartened look Roman had worn, carved into his mind. The fact that Virgil caused that face. He squeezed once more, before slowly pushing Roman back, looking up at his face and the same worried, concerned look painted his features.

 _And if I was a softer person_  
I could give you the kindness you are deserving  
But I’m not  
And maybe that’s just it

Inching in slowly, Virgil pressed his lips to Romans. It wasn’t heated or passionate, none of the need and passion their kisses normally shared. Just a simple press of lips together, sliding until they fit comfortably. Virgil tried to convey the amount of love he had for Roman with the soft kiss, needing him to know how much he _cared_ about him. Before finally leaning back and stepping out of the warm embrace of his lover. He breathed out, his voice on the verge of breaking; “You can’t love someones mental illness away, Ro.”

The last thing Roman heard was the closing click of the front door before reality came crashing down on him.

 _'Cause I am tired and you’re lonely_  
Screaming "babe, console me”  
And I’d stop it if only  
Hard hearts didn’t break so slowly

**Author's Note:**

> uhhhhhHHHHh sorry, idk i was listening to sad indie music at 2 am, and this happened. like this is stupid and honeslty im not sure if this song even really fits but,,,, were rolling with it 
> 
> song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN2AkItEHqk


End file.
